i sit in silence here

i sit in silence here
i’m filled with wonder once again

lest i forget
all of your goodness
the blood You have shed
the cross i now remember
lest i forget

for those of you who haven’t heard i’m going to rwanda in april. what?! yes, rwanda of hotel rwanda fame.  my former pastor and his missions org. hallomai are going to rwanda on a unity and reconciliation type mission.  i’ll post up my funding letter a lil later.  but it’s got me reevaluating where i am with God and what i’m really doing with my life.  when i said i’d be up for a trip to rwanda i don’t think i knew what i was saying.  i was only thinking “going to africa would be awesome. and rwanda would give me awesome stories and it would make me an awesome Christian”. all the while thinking how cool brooke fraser is she wrote a whole album based on her time in rwanda. in one word. awesome.

and then one day, pastor blessed calls me up and says i need your name as it is on your passport and your birth date b/c we’re buying our plane tickets.  well then, i guess i just got booked on a flight to rwanda!

one of my resolutions was to read my Bible more/pray/spend more time with God.  i can’t even really remember what i resolved without looking at the post, that is how good i have been about keeping up with it.

what has my life come to these days? exercising and eating in a way that will allow my body to look pleasing to whom?  learning languages so i can do what?  spending money on new clothes and acting classes and my own pleasures to what end?

i don’t want to forget the grace God has shown me, or the great provider He has been for me, or the fact that he has a perfect plan for me, bigger and better than my own. but i’m not willing to daily lay down my own life and take up his cross, though his yolk is easy and his burden is light.

i gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. indeed, you are still not ready.

lest i forget – rebecca st. james

 

strč prst skrz krk

stick a finger through your neck

czech, i choose you! proč? it is indeed a slavik language, and i think it sounds cool.  and i’m surprisingly motivated to learn it.

if you would like to join me in my foreign language learning adventures i’m studying a bit from the courses provided here.  i’ve also borrowed from my library and am watching various youtube videos. if you’re really interested i’ll send you the stuff i’m studying from.

my library had a book sale and i picked up several travel books for czech and prague.  i’ve been bit by the wanderlust bug. would anyone seriously consider going backpacking or just vacationing to czech, hungary, and other european places?  if you have language skills (polish, german, italian…) that’s a plus b/c then we’ll have a range of communication let’s just hope i will have the money…

shall we start a “two broke girls” money count?

$$$ saved for czech & euro backpacking excursion:  all the money in my account right now should i choose to spend it that way.

but seriously either in may-ish or september/october i’d love to go.

 

i never had my mind made up before the bomb dropped

new year. new resolutions. actually, i never do resolutions because i invariably never strive to accomplish them so i don’t make any. if, on the off chance i do in fact accomplish something it’s like, wow i didn’t plan for this but it happened. gold star for me! well, no more! i say.  i am indeed not so young anymore and frankly need to stop putzing about. sounds like a familiar tale…

this year was pretty good to me.  i quit my office job, ran[flew] away to vancouver for a few days, got my first retail job and new [discounted!] clothes, ran and worked out a bunch, started pursuing an entirely new and exciting[terrifying] career path, had my first audition and national ad campaign.  let’s keep up the momentum yeah?

here they are, my resolute resolutions for 2012:

• read books! i have a small library of high school literature on my bookshelf that i may or may not have read ages ago. i also have a sizable ebook collection of classics as well. not to mention one of the best public libraries around.
• learn a new language! i’ve been trying to learn french for the last…many months.  my library has good audio tapes and i’ve borrowed them a few times, but they just sat on the floor of my room unattended to. i’m also aiming for a slavic language…
• use bigger, smarter words!  yeah…
• learn to spell/type/have less typos! hopefully reading and a fancy lexicon[thnx ms. atchison ] will assist
• do Biblical devotionals! as opposed to the non-Biblical kind…? le sigh. why is this always the hardest thing ever?
• work out! so cliche i know…
• drink less coffee! yes, even less than i already do.
• floss everyday!  don’t judge. i know you don’t floss everyday. who does?! such discipline…

i’m sure there are plenty more things i want/should do throughout the year, but i don’t do well with “long”-term planning we’re lucky i’m committing to anything this year.

what’s on your new year’s resolution plate this year?

Katie Herzig – Free My Mind from Katie Herzig on Vimeo.

free my mind – katie herzig

there’s beauty in the breakdown

i’ve got this assignment to watch a lot of movies.  definitely acing it right now.  the purpose is to find a movie scene that i would like to recreate in class. alas i have found you!

paraphernalia

remember this movie?  i thought it was absolutely the bestest thing ever and made sure everyone knew it.  yes that would be my dvd, soundtrack, and wall poster all of which were my 19th birthday gifts because i was obsessed. did i mention my desktop background was  a garden state wallpaper too?  oh and i sound clipped it to be my voicemail “oh my god you’re totally freaked out. you’re like totally freaked out right now…you’re so freaked out you’re like running for the door”.

loved it b/c: natalie portman, natalie portman, and uh natalie portman?!

sam was the coolest character. she was really quirky and awkward but cool and fun.  after watching it now, many years later, i’m thinking “i was so weird! how did i love this movie soo much? was i that weird?”  yes princesshunee. you really were. i realize i’ve grown up quite a bit.  so much has happened in my life since then.  i am still quirky and ramble awkwardly no doubt but in a more mature, contained kind of way if that makes sense…unless i really am still that crazy, let me know in the comments section. haha.

 

let go – frou frou

she needs wide open spaces

room to make her big mistakes
she needs new faces
she knows the high stakes
she knows the highest stakes

i’ve been taking an acting class for the last few weeks.  once a week for 3 hours i read a scene and watch my classmates read theirs.  it has been immensely fun and exciting.  we build our characters, establish the relationship with our scene partners and laugh, laugh, laugh.

a few weeks ago i also took a ‘lil trip to vancouver, b.c.  i didn’t know a soul in vancouver, booked a room at a random ‘lil b&b and hoped to God i could catch a flight.  i can be an adult!  i can survive on my own (for 5 days and 4 nights anyway).  it was exciting and liberating and refreshing.  vancouver is beautiful if you haven’t heard me rant about it already and if you have too bad.  it’s just that awesome.  you should all seriously visit vancouver sometime in your life.  it’s magic.

**i started this post 2 weeks ago and never finished. thought it was about time**

country music is so fun.  it’s so charming and story oriented. i heard this dixie chicks tune on us 99.5 and thought…this is so me right now.  i’m ready to embark on a new adventure.  i’ve been taking the steps leading to the edge of something and the closer i get the more afraid i am.

i got so comfy where i was.  i sat and set a picnic and invited all my pals to join me. we’ve had a blast!  but now i’m starting to wander away from the party into an unfamiliar territory.  it’s scary, it really is.  i’m really brave and bold in some ways, and in many others i am the biggest scaredy cat.

i know the risks.  at least i think i do. and they are big.  am i ready to make those mistakes?  do i trust Him to be enough to save sustain me when i make them?

i’m signed up for the next level of acting class. i took a “getting into the business” workshop.  whatever it is that’s out there in front of me–i hope to find it sooner than later.

wide open spaces – dixie chicks

i have confidence in confidence alone

besides what you see i have confidence in me!!

i’ve always longed for adventure to do the things i’ve never dared. now here i am facing adventure then why am i so scared?

i must dream of the things i am seeking.  i am seeking the courage i lack…show them i’m worthy and while i show them i’ll show me!

with each step i am more certain everything will turn out fine.  i have confidence the world can all be mine.  they’ll have to agree i have confidence in me!!

confidence (via dictionary.com) – belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities.  certitude, assurance.

apparently something i lack.  how does one acquire confidence without overstepping into pride and arrogance?  and how do you balance confidence with the humility of knowing we are really nothing and can do nothing without Christ? [now that i reread and rethink it... i should have full confidence because of Christ. hm... interesting]

a friend made it a point to tell me that i have plenty to be confident in.  i’m relatively smart & intelligent. my face isn’t monstrously disfigured.  above average-ly talented musically.  he didn’t quite use these words but the general idea is that i’ve got every reason to be confident.  and confidence is just something you have.  you can’t “try” to be confident b/c that’s when it’s clear that you don’t  actually have it.  i say “i’m awesome” all the time, but uh, that’s b/c i don’t actually think i’m awesome but i have to say it out loud to make it seem like i am.  maybe by saying it out loud it will hint at other people to think i’m awesome even though i’m not.  what?  yeah.  i watched this random video of last year’s maxim hot 100 and what’s hot is “confidence”, hence my mind being more pushed toward this confidence thing because we all know i’m working toward being an off the charts hottie.

so where can i get me some of this confidence thing?

i have confidence – the sound of music

at the end of the day i have myself to blame. i’m just trippin’

never insecure until i met you–now i’m being stupid.  i used to be so cute to me– just a little bit skinny.  why do i look to all these things to keep you happy? maybe get rid of you and get back to me.

it’s been a while eh?  there’s kind of a lot to say. well it’s just about summer and i’m officially obsessed with my “body image” for lack of better phrasing.  but it really surpasses just my physical appearance and onto my life as a whole.  i blame glee (partially).  more on that later.

i recently quit my job as a staff accountant/book keeper that i’ve held for a year and half or so (which is about a year longer than i would have liked…).  it started as just a job so i could have some income to pay off student loans and be a productive, contributing member of society.  i was supposed to continue looking for “real” work.  in the end,  they gave me more responsibility and a pay raise or two so i stuck around.  i became comfortable, complacent yet perpetually dissatisfied and unhappy. i had a safe, secure job close to home with decent health benefits and i just wanted out.  so i got out.

which leaves me here…which is where exactly?  well, let me tell you!

i’m 25 and i have this fake plan that i tell people in order to appear to have a plan.  i plan to look for engineering opportunities in the next 2 months.  all the while i am developing a healthy living schedule of working out, eating a proper diet, studying, reading books, and reading God’s Word.  if i can’t find a full time engineering position i’ll apply for some part time job at [insert your choice of big box stores and random high school summer jobs] and study for the GRE while researching and applying for graduate programs for a fall 2012 enrollment.  sounds good.

no one can serve two masters.  either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.  you cannot serve both God and Money.  therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life…look at the birds of the air…are you not [much] more valuable than they?

…but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.

enter glee:  hot, talented, 24 year olds, minorities included!  we all know i can sing. let’s not pretend, but i’m not that good.  at least i don’t believe it.  i often have a hard time accepting that i’m remotely ok at singing.  i can play guitar, but also only ok.  i have some background in dance so i can pick it up if taught and practiced.   i can be an asian hottie at 5’6″, 115 lbs and well toned everything. anyway, glee has made me feel more dissatisfied and inadequate which is funny since the show is about acceptance and being who you are.  so now i work out and try to eat healthier to keep my body fit.  i wear make up, straighten my hair, buy new clothes.  i want to take dance classes, vocal lessons, acting classes and be as accomplished as  my peers.   i want to be hot and famous. don’t hate.

your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  instead, it should be that of you inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…

uhm, so, where are we?  in this “beautiful” tension that is being a christ-following young woman in 2011.  a lot of days i just want to be “young woman”.  the christ-following part is less fun and seems less blessing than it promises to be.  but that’s why we keep our eyes set on things above and walk by faith…right?

unpretty – TLC

run away, run away, run away and save your life.

run away, run away, run away if you want to survive.

yeah. that pretty much sums it up.

 

run away – real mccoy

i get knocked down but i get up again

life is going to knock you down more times than you can possibly imagine. don’t knock yourself down.
-parenthood

words spoken to an amber holt from her uncle adam braverman when she frustratingly retorted that she did not want to meet with the influential alumni from berkley for fear of messing up a big thing “every time there’s like a big thing… i always mess it up”  in the end she meets with the lady and they hit it off, yea happy ending to the episode.

when i heard this line it really spoke to me because well, i am perpetually knocked down. in fact i dig myself into the ground so as to preempt any such endeavors. no one wants to jump into the little hole i’ve made and climbing out is too difficult.  my walls are not that of the medieval castle type built with fortified stone above the ground. no, it is the ground rising above me as looking up from a pit or grave.  (i’ve started reading [books] again so my writing is trying to be more.)

[i started this post a few days ago and can't remember where this was going...]

i think the general premise is that i am afraid of failing, so i avoid situations and circumstances where my chance to fail is high.  i stay in safe comfortable places.  i think d.shiau and i talked about that before…anyway, i need to learn to take risks and to trust that God’s plans are great and indeed way better than mine even if i get rejected and fall flat on my face. =|

tubthumping – chumbawamba

is love alive in me?

so i’m at work…avoiding work and what do i do? make my christmas gifting list of course!

i’ve never been a christmas gifter.  there are several reasons [excuses] for this:

1) $$ and the lacking of it

2) i didn’t know what to get people/ i didn’t plan early enough/ i couldn’t narrow the list. (i realise i could make 2 additional number points, but too bad.)

3) gift giving is not my “love language”…

as i was making my list i thought of the obvious friends, family, other friends.  when the list became sufficiently long and i had written down all the people that came to mind i decided i had wasted enough time and went back to work. now while working my mind wanders to and from my list and gift ideas.  at some point it hits me: i’m missing some one from the list, but who? some one “important”.  i skim the list again. ah yes, that’s who i forgot.  how could i forget this person?

**filtering crazy mind thoughts**

i began to think about why i had forgotten this person, and the whole idea of gift giving [hence this blog].  Gift giving is indeed one of my love languages.  i don’t find it particularly necessary to buy christmas gifts b/c i (try to) buy gifts for my friends whenever i see something that reminds me of them, or if i observe they have a need/desire for something.  at the risk of sounding self absorbed–quality time spent with my friends is also a gift i give, in fact the primary gift. Quality time and hang outs…another topic for another day.

now i had actually spent significant time thinking about gifts for this particular person whom i forgot to put on the list. in fact i can name 3-4 gift ideas no problem. this may be the only person whom i have concrete gift ideas for! but each time i think, “no. it[the friendship] is not worth it”.

**more mind filtering**

i am very selective of who i show love to.  to love is very much a choice. i choose to love people by spending time with them and giving them gifts. and i choose to not love by not giving gifts or giving time.  it’s very conditional; but that’s not what love is.

winter song – sara bareilles and ingrid michaelson